I miss him. Although he is beside me each night, I still miss him. I miss that safety that came along with him. Knowing that no matter how big the issue was, he would either solve it or stay by my side through it. The safety is gone and at times the tears just fall. I just miss him. The walks at night when we used to talk about anything and everything are no longer there. Excitement over our future is now replaced with a fear that I can’t seem to conquer. Am I going to be enough for this whole family to survive? Everyone is hurting in such different ways and I can’t make anything better. The feeling of failure is always right beneath the surface and I don’t know if I am strong enough to make it through this.
I am lucky though. I still have him. He sleeps next to me each night and wakes up to tell me he loves me each morning. I push down my fears and love him with all my heart, determined to make it through the day.
But oh how I miss him. I miss us. I just want to be okay again.