“As always, thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.”
Being on the receiving end of those words should make me happy or feel loved, at the very least appreciated. I don’t feel any of these things. Instead I feel instantly hurt, annoyed and definitely wary. Those words are dangerous and are meant to disarm me. They are an attempt to bring down my walls and let her back in. As much as I wish I could, I’ve learned that to do that would be setting myself up for the next round hurt.
When I met my husband, I instantly liked his mother. She was funny and seemed kind. She used to call me DIL (daughter in law) and begged me to marry one of her sons. Life took me in a different direction and although Kev and I stayed close and were best friends, I went on to marry someone else and start a family. Kev lived his life as well and had a few girlfriends over the years before life brought back together again. We finally acknowledged those feelings we had felt many years before.
We kept our relationship a secret while we figured out what we meant to each other and if we really wanted to risk losing such a good friendship by bringing it to the next level. When his mother suspected what was going on she sent me an email calling me a bitch, that I am not good enough for him and I would never compare to his most recent ex girlfriend. She wanted him back with his ex.
Time goes on and it’s pretty obvious that him and I are together. We are together at every turn except one, wherever his mother is concerned. Kev and I had talked about and it was agreed that I wouldn’t have to be around her etc. It worked out great for us. I’m not sure why we detoured off that path but we did. Slowly, over time she and I would be around each other and it would actually be pleasant. What I didn’t know and didn’t find out until after the accident, was all the stuff that was being said behind my back about the kids and myself. Kev’s accident brought his family over from England and as the hours ticked by, conversations were had and that’s when I found out had been said and sadly, what was being said at that very time.
When I arrived at the hospital the doctor asked me who I wanted to share information with. I asked him to be open with his family and that I wanted them to have access to Kevin at all times. I asked his family to please be with me for all of the medical conferences so that I had more than one set of ears hearing all of the medical lingo and so that if I have to make decisions, it would be all of us that love Kev working together as a team. Little did I know that would lead to his mom talking to our close friends, telling them that they needed to convince me to end life support. That she couldnt handle the hospital letting me make the decisions when she is the mother and it was her son laying there. We weren’t even a few days into this horrible tragedy.
Many months later after Kevin had woke up, made it through inpatient rehab and was now doing outpatient rehab, his father (divorced from his mom for many years) came to visit us for a few weeks and let it out that she had approached him in the hospital asking him to meet with the doctor without me there, get an update and to sit me down and convince me to end Kevin’s life support. At this point I have put up with friends of hers, looking out for her, asking me why I am not including her in anything to do with Kevin. That she had expressed that I was cruel to Kev and he shouldn’t have married me. That I had tortured him by keeping him alive instead of sending him to hospice.
After my father in laws visit, I received a call from him explaining that my mother in law was now accusing me of neglect. That was the final straw for me. I cut off contact for a little while and then called her over for a chat. While we were sitting there, I told her that I knew what she had been up to. That I knew about going behind my back in the hospital, the horrible things she’s been saying about me before the accident and since then and also about her claiming I neglected my husband. At first she tried to laugh and look at her husband and try to play it off as someone making up a lie until I started quoting some of the things that were said. At that point she couldn’t deny it any longer and just sat there stunned, the simply said that all of those things were said in confidence, not to be shared and she felt like her trust had been violated.
I explained that she will always be Kevin’s mother and that they’re relationship was between them, but she and I would no longer have any relationship.
I would keep open communication between us about Kevin’s recovery and exercises until he is able to do that on his own but anything that involves him and I as a couple or my kids, she was no longer going to be a part of.
That started the, “I appreciate you” messages when I send along a video or picture of his recovery exercises. (She comes over once or twice a week during the day to do these exercises with him so it’s important she knows what to do etc.)
If she is over and we’re having to explain a new exercise to her, she will throw in a comment about me being so good with him or that he married the right woman.
I just can’t believe her anymore. I don’t want the false compliments. To accept them would start down the path where she thinks we have a relationship again. Unfortunately that means that any thing to do with her son, she feels she has a right to know or be involved in. Including financial information.
It’s sad to say, but I just can’t trust her and I can’t have her in my life anymore. At a time where we should all be coming together, we further apart than ever.